Anhedonia? not really...

Anhedonia = a patient's inability to experience pleasure from normally pleasurable life events such as eating, exercise, and social/sexual interactions. (Wikipedia encyclopedia)

nope... that doesn't quite describe what i'm feeling lately. i still enjoy my mom's roasted chicken wings (in fact, i think i ate like 5 too many yesterday), my nice hot green tea every morning, the big claypot laksa i had at alexandra village... yum! i... erm... haven't exercised for ages but i'm sure the endorphins will get kick-started if i do. and of course, i always love a chat or two at the coffee with my dear friends... they always rejuvenate me! sexual interactions... this is a family-friendly blog... so *beeep*... haha...

i'm definitely able to gather pleasure doing the things i normally like to do... but problem is i find myself shunning away from them somehow. strange... is there a name for this symptom? hmm...

history of chief complaint: i decided not to join my bandmates for a potluck party... i have more than 10 episodes of House that's left un-watched... i really wanna go out shopping at marina square but never did... i have a nice-looking novel beckoning me to read but i picked it up only to place it in a more obscure place.

maybe the name of this symptom is masochism. maybe i'm torturing myself and stopping myself from doing happee things. cos mbbs is coming in less than 5 months' time and i think i should stop wasting time on these pleasurable activities. it's a vicious cycle... i'm stressed up abt mbbs, i go enjoy doing something to destress, feel really good, go home n see the stack of textbooks waiting for me to read, get stressed up again!

what's up man! hate this feeling... can this heavy cloud on top of my head get lost and stop bothering me? hai... yeah... it will... after april 2006.

on top of all this is this horrible DOUBT i have abt myself, which increases exponentially as the end draws nearer. am i gonna get through this? am i gonna be good enough to pass the exams? am i kidding myself that i can be a good doctor? am i gonna remember enough of these to persuade the examiners to pass me?

i've never felt that insecure before... not before O's, not before A's... why does it happen now? the more something matters to you, the more you're afraid to lose it. maybe tt's why. it's always been my dream to be a doctor and just when i'm getting so near it, i'm afraid i'm not good enough to reach for it and not strong enough to hold on to it.