Hope...

I live each day with hope. it is one of my driving forces in life. with hope in mind, i know i can conquer all my fears. hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, i go to sleep with a smile. hoping that today will be a good day, i wake up full of zest and energy.

recently, i feel that i'm slowly losing hope in an aspect of my life. there is something which i want desperately... something that's not within my control. At first i was full of hope... so i waited patiently... thought carefully about it... fought for it... it turned out to be an extremely difficult battle, precisely coz it is just not something i can control. it's not tangible like a trophy or certificate whereby u put up a strong fight n u win it back. with those kinds of achievements, i always manage to conjure up hope. but this...

i believe hope's like the water in the well... it's never full or totally empty at the beginning. it starts off with some water. when it starts to rain, you somehow know that if it continues to rain like that, it'll be full one day. and so the water continues to rise. but after days of drought... nothing is coming down to fill it up, the scorching sun is up n it vapourises slowly into absolute dryness.

After every futile fight, my hope gets drier and drier. Knowing that one day this well may never be full, my hope gets dimmer n dimmer.

Coincidentally, Dr Kwek from psychological medicine went through the topic of grief with us today. Grief is an emotional reaction to a loss. Just loss... need not necessarily be due to death of someone. so my loss of tt piece of hope is counted too huh? n he said there are some stages of grief that most people go through... 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Depression. After going through all these stages, people are then ready to move on to acceptance and close the chapter for good.

hmm... ppl who know me well enough will know the word grief doesn't seem to be in my dictionary. especially not anger and depression. I have this ability to write off negative thoughts and just think about positive thoughts n feelings. does this equal the state of constant denial? does that mean if i don't go through all 3 stages, i dun grief and subsequently don't close the chapter completely? that's why i can't seem to let go of the something and move on?

haha! interestingly, Dr Kwek also went through the topic of suicide today. and he said "the degree of hopelessness is a more impt predictor of suicide than the severity of depression." relax buddies... i'm not thinking of ending my life.. dun worry... i've got lotsa hope in other aspects of my life.

pretty funny how today's topics of discussion seem to tie in with my feelings n thoughts so well. some people hate psychological medicine... my frens say sometimes it parallels with or lie close to our own mind that they feel somehow with a slight push, they'll fall over to the dark side.

anyway, i digress... back to hope... n grief...

i'm still grappling with losing my hope slowly... day by day. it's not totally dry but pretty soon it may be. in the event when it happens, will i grief? will i again write it off n be in denial? whatever it is... do not despair my frens... i think i know myself pretty well... i'll be fine. absolutely fine...