Disillusioned?

Moving on to my 5th posting in anaesthesia... 2 years of anaesthesia and going strong?

sometimes in the middle of a boring hand case which is moving on to its 5th hour at 3am in the morning, i can't help wondering whether i've chosen the right path. especially when i'm dead tired, struggling not to doze off on my patient and wishing i have a urinary catheter and iv drip like him.

and yet, after successfully provided anaesthesia and life support measures for a life-saving surgery such as in polytrauma patients, the sense of satisfaction made me high! being able to use my hands to perform procedures that make a difference such as epidurals make me feel good about myself! I like being held in a distinguished position for being able to manage difficult airway and iv access.

A senior trainee in anaesthesia whom i've worked with recently announced her decision to quit anaesthesia. I've always held her in high regard cos she's good in her work! Not quite sure if it was due to the fact that she didn't manage to clear her final exams recently. Suspect it's probably that with a combination of factors like marriage, better financial prospects as a gp locum, etc.

This sorta led me into a chain of evil thoughts...

What if i can't clear exams too? what if after so long, i realize i don't really wanna do anaesthesia for the rest of my life? what if i don't really wanna work and just wanna take care of my spouse and kids? What if i actually suck at doing it and everyone's too tactful abt it hence i dun hear abt it?

All the what ifs...

I actually had these thoughts even when i was studying for part 1! my idea was that if one day i was gonna give it up, why should i put in so much hardwork and sacrifice so much to clear this irritating part 1 exam? haha! i was obviously finding some excuse to get outta studying for it...

ultimately, with the motivation of many ppl including my dear study partner and the senior anaesthetists who've been there and done that, i shoved all these horrible thoughts aside and persevered on with the exams. Good thing i did!

I've realized that there's no point thinking about all the "what-ifs" cos they haven't even happened! I mean i dun even know if i'm gonna get married and have kids! if i din even try, how would i know if i can clear the exams?

the only way to do this is to hold on to the present.. Do what i can now and to the best of my ability. Ultimately, even if it ends in a skewed manner, i'll still have no regrets for i've done all i could.