Changed... for the better?

My recent dinner gathering with my galfrens enlightened me to something. Somehow in their eyes, I've transformed into a different person. Good thing is both of them said the change was for the better.

Well... according to them, I wasn't very "human" and seemed void of emotions in the past but now i display my emotions and thoughts more freely. They also could tell I was a lot happier as compared to last time!

Hmm.. what abt myself? Did I feel this change too?

Yup.. I definitely felt myself becoming different and their acknowledgement of the fact just made it even more obvious to myself.

The turning point most probably came when huiliang entered into my life.

Of course I have emotions! I just didn't have a knack of displaying them that frequently.. or rather, had no real opportunities that required them to be displayed. My idea was that emotions can totally destroy rational thought and lead me to do foolish things that will cause regret. So whenever something happens, whether good or bad, I feel a certain emotion for at the most 5 min, then shove it aside and let my mind take over.

In the professional world, it's even more so. I need to remain calm, collected, focused on the work at hand. Nevermind my personal depression, fatigue, PMS even... my work is a matter of life-and-death sometimes, so I need to throw away those emotional rubbish! I'll always remember after my very first failed resuscitation, I sat on the toilet bowl, cried for 10 min, wiped away my tears and then went to do discharge summaries as though nothing happened. No choice... I had to be strong.

At home, I'm the big sister, always ready to give advice to my younger siblings.. the eldest daughter who is always obedient and sensible. No chance for emotional tantrums!

Over the past 1 yr n few months, Huiliang's been making my emotions go hay-wire and my rational mind hide away. There's no longer a need for reasoning cos since when does love need any reason? He's become an outlet for me to display my emotions cos I do not need to hide them from him! I know he embraces my pleasant emotions and yet tolerates my bad emotions. Through him, I gain more practice and slowly become less afraid to show others my emotions too. That's why my frens feel it too!

Tolerance is another thing I've learnt from being in a relationship. I used to HATE it when plans deviate from the original decision.. when ppl turn up late for appointments.. why things have to be this way and not that way. Control-freak.. that's what I am. I could never understand why ppl can't be responsible and keep to schedule. Over the years, I've learnt that circumstances beyond our control occur and there's no point dwelling over it or tearing my hair out. Just be more adaptive and life will be less antagonistic. Maybe it's not that control is no longer important to me... it still is in certain areas of my life like work. It's just that in a relationship, the control is no longer so important after all.. definitely not as important as my boyfren's well-being and happiness for example. I'm not perfect at it yet but i'll continue to learn...

Me happier? ha! that's a given! Even after so long, I still beam when I think about the happy times we spent together. My heart flutters when he says or does something sweet. I'm definitely still living in a bubble of bliss. Is the bubble supposed to last this long?? Hmm.. I wonder if this is normal or am I just behaving like a besotted bimbo? (haha... just like nodame... whenever she's around chiaki in Nodame Cantabile)

So is this for the better or for worse? I've realized long ago that I want more things with my life than just career. The old gerri may go far in her career... spearheaded by her confidence, coolheadedness and rational mind. However, the new gerri will get to enjoy the vibrance of life and love from the ppl around her.

Dear! thanks for bringing such a change in me!