No exam for me... Not yet...

A big heavy stone has finally been lifted from my mind this week. I've resolved NOT to take exam this year. Goodness me... My mind was doing some kind of yo-yo stunt ever since the month and posting started. My soliloquy was going in the likes of...

"Take exam la!"
"No... better not!"
"don't be stupid... u wanna wait another year?"
"but what if i fail? i'll waste 3K bucks!"
"am i sure i wanna do anaes?"
"just start studying now and take it!"
"i dun think i'll be ready by september!"

That was how conflicted i was feeling. It definitely doesn't help when everyone's urging me to take the exam cos they assume I'm gonna specialize in anaes since i'm staying on.

Well, i thought i could continue to be vague about it first and see how things go. You know... like start studying anyway, give a tentative yes to the department and go actively for tutorials. If i'm ready by the application deadline, then go ahead! if not, dun apply! Things are not so simple i realized. Firstly, it'll be difficult to convince myself to study hard since it's always feasible to withdraw myself from the whole thing anytime. Next, my reg was right... if i give them a "maybe", i won't get priority for study leave/opportunities to go for tutorials/etc. Finally, i'm not even sure anaes is the way to go at this point in time!

Chatted with a lot of seniors and colleagues abt this whole business and gathered some advice. What one senior said sounded very true. He said the preparation can definitely be done in 4 months but it depends on how much u're willing to sacrifice for it. If u work hard and sacrifice leisure/socialising time, 4 months is more than enough. That made me realize there's no way i'm gonna sacrifice my training/family/social time completely, so i've decided that i definitely need more than 4 months.

In the end, i decided there will be no exam for me this year! haha! strange that immediately after i decided on that and msged Abey my decision, i felt instantly relieved.

Haha! There was even a fleeting idea of wanting to take MRCP instead of Mmed (Anaes)!! goodness... i think i'm really not 100% sure i wanna do anaes yet. Something is just holding me back from devoting my life in anaes. Like i said, if i have a meter with internal med on one end and anaes on the other end, sometime last week i was at 75% for anaes.

This week, out of boredom, i started reminiscing on the ah pehs and ah mas i saw during my gastro posting (especially those with protracted stay in my ward). I could remember most of their medical history, social history and events during their hospital stay. I swear i felt a smile in my heart as i remember how they were so happy to be discharged and prayed that they're still alive and well now.

And then i tried to remember the patients whom i've gas-ed in my previous 6 months, i really couldn't recall much. Such is the nature of the work... minimal patient contact and a one-off experience instead of long-term follow-up. I think in such a situation, u win and lose some things. In order to be rid of the hassle of following up on chronic problems and having to build rapport/relationship with the patients, u lose the amazing connection with another human being and a soul-enriching opportunity.

I'm back to square one. I think my meter is at 50% and it's ever-changing. Today i had a great and different experience gas-ing lil kids aged 5... think it kinda made the needle flicker slightly towards anaes again. arrghh!!